• Mel Butcher

Book Club Guide: Thanks for the Feedback by Stone & Heen

Every time I host a book discussion, I'm committed to sharing the facilitation questions I develop. I hope you'll use these to journal learnings for yourself or to host your own book group.

All quotes below are from Thanks for the Feedback.


  • Of the 3 types of feedback – Appreciation, Coaching, Evaluation – do you see a time when you were missing one in your life? What did missing it cause?

  • What stood out to you regarding giving clear, specific feedback?

  • As you read this book, did you remember an example from your past where you either gave or received feedback in the form of interpretation rather than in the form of data? How might it have caused confusion?

  • What was most helpful to you in coming to understand how to clarify consequences and expectations via feedback?

  • How would you explain wrong-spotting to someone who hasn’t read the book?

  • Tell us about a time you received negative feedback in the moment and had difficulty receiving it, but later found the feedback to be helpful.

  • Did you identify any specific relationship triggers for yourself? What did you realize?

  • Even when we can own our part in contributing to a misunderstanding or conflict, it can still be a struggle when the other person involved isn’t emotionally resourced. How have you dealt with a challenge like this in the past? How do you hope to deal with such a challenge in the future?

  • Do you have (or recall) a conflict where it would have helped to reflect on feedback containment (What is this about? What isn’t this about?)? What did that scenario look like?

  • The author outlined three kinds of boundaries (Thanks and No. Not Now, Not About That. And No Feedback.). Which of these resonate with you? Which of these might you need to deploy more of? Why?

  • Why is cultivating growth mindset important?

  • How might you support team members towards developing their own growth mindset?

  • How would you describe effective feedback to someone now?

  • What relationships (at work or in your industry) do you need to cultivate in order to be received when you provide feedback? How will you commit to investing in that relationship(s) in the coming months?

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