Women at Work, Family, and Consequences
Reading The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker, she brought up the story of when she had her first child. Her female friends set in motion plans for a baby shower. And then, her husband communicated his deep desire to attend. After all, both of their lives were changing; they were both becoming parents.
Parker went on to explain that in the past, when women were primary caregivers, the original baby shower gathering model made sense.
“If I had thought about my gathering need more deeply at that moment, it probably would have been something about preparing both my husband and me for our new roles and the new chapter of our marriage as we welcomed our first child. I was becoming a mother. Anand was becoming a father... If I had been more thoughtful about it, I would have sought out a gathering that helped us make that weighty transition. But the structure and ritual of most baby showers—women-only, playing games, opening presents, making something crafty for the baby—were based on a different purpose. Traditional baby showers, I realized, were rituals for expecting mothers and a collective way to help a couple defray the costs of tending to a new life. The assumed format of this ritual—women gathering around women—reflected an era when the only person who really needed to prepare for parenting and a new transformative identity was the mother. But what should a baby shower look like when the purpose it was designed around no longer reflects the assumptions or realities of the people it’s technically for?”
Reading this reminded me of a woman who brought up a challenge recently.
Paraphrasing, she shared that her husband was not stepping up to the plate domestically (with what we call the 3 C’s - cooking, caring [children & elderly], cleaning) as much as she would like or need. She was feeling bogged down by these duties and asked - how can I grow my career while I have all of these other responsibilities at home weighing me down and a partner not stepping up?
This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this scenario and question from a woman, and I don’t expect it will be the last.
As someone working to help women advance their careers, these scenarios can be painful to witness.
Women remain in less than desirable heterosexual relationships for a number of reasons, including religious beliefs, “for the children”, for economic reasons, and more.
So when a woman comes to us with this situation and question, what can we do? It feels as though there is very little.
There is some level of optimization you can do in your life, particularly prioritizing the bits that are truly most important to you as a parent or caregiver (for that, I recommend Drop the Ball by Tiffany Dufu, and this episode of the Lead to Soar podcast).
But if you’ve already optimized, and the roots of the problems really lie on the home front... putting “bandaids” on a situation as complex as a family unit may simply not be enough.
And as much as many hate to hear this, therapy may be in order (I recommend starting with resources from The Gottman Institute, no affiliation).
As “outsiders,” the best thing you and I may be able to contribute is to form and model healthy relationships to those around us, and encourage younger people in our lives to be thoughtful and communicative as they embark on a journey to find romantic partnership.
If you are a person with hopes and dreams for your career, and you are a person who wants to be in a long-term relationship… arguably one of the best things you can do is choose a partner who is explicitly in support of that ambition - not just verbally, but a partner who has demonstrated with actions, their dedication to taking on a balanced share of household and familial duties, however you decide on being/ growing a family together.